Death & Life

I think about death sometimes. I do not deliberately seek out these thoughts. They just come to me periodically as I believe they do to most of us. And one that I’ve been having which has been recurring a few times is a vivid dream. It is slightly morbid I suppose but what do you expect from a dream about death.

I am lying on the ground and someone is standing over me with a gun pointed to my head. I know it is a man because it is a masculine voice that speaks to me. He tells me that in order to save this other person’s life, I must die. It is a choice I have to make. I am confused, I do not understand why. I turn my head and look up from the ground to see who this other person is. But he/she has no face, no form. Yet somehow I know this is a person that I love. I do not know this person yet I can feel that love within me in my dream. So I tell this man that he can pull the trigger. I don’t know why I do this; it makes no sense to me as this person is a stranger. Yet in this dream, this is the decision I make.

I’ve always thought that I would feel fear at this point; I used to feel it whenever I thought about death. And maybe in real life (or real death) that may be the case. Yet in this dream, it isn’t fear that I feel. Instead, I feel a profound sadness. I think about all the people I will miss; my family and friends. How I will miss spending time talking and laughing and crying with them. There is also a tinge of sadness that I will not be able to complete everything I might have wanted to in my life. Maybe some might describe it as regret yet in this dream it simply feels like sadness.

Yet no fear.

I hear the click of the trigger engaging as it is pulled back, then a rush of heat to the point at which the barrel rests against my temple. It is very vivid, very real, I feel this heat in my dream. In classic fashion, scenes from my life come flooding past. Driving my little bright green paddle car around the front of the house as a small boy, wondering when my little sister was going to come and commandeer it away from me again . Tailing my elder sister around on my first day in primary school, then tripping and falling in the drain and sheepishly looking up in the hope that no one had seen it happen. Sitting with my sisters surrounding Dad as he hand-fed us balls of rice mixed with stir-fried spinach and curry-of-the-day. Lying with my head on Mum’s lap after lunch looking up at her face whilst she looked down at me asking, “How are you, son”. And I feel sadness; I am sad that I will miss my life.

Yet no fear. Nor regret in my decision.

And then at the very end of this flashback of memories, the sadness ebbs away. I do not feel sad anymore. It has been replaced by a feeling of happiness, joy even. When I first started having this dream, I could not understand why. I would wake up confused. But now I know why; I will be able to spend time with Mum again. And that very thought takes away any of the fear of dying and the sadness of leaving this life behind.

Do not misinterpret this as a death wish. I do not want to die, let me assure you of that. There is so much more that I want to do in my life. I want to find a passion again; something for me to pursue fiercely and fearlessly and build upon in the hope of creating positive change.

I want to be present and experience the love of my family growing ever closer together. I want to watch my sisters continue to develop into the beautiful, wonderful, loving souls they both are.

I want to enjoy watching my friends and those dearest to me become successful and live full and fruitful lives with their families; to hopefully contribute, support them and be a part of their happiness and success.

I want to celebrate many more Christmases, New Years, Hari Rayas and Deepavalis; and feast on all the amazing food each celebration brings with it!

I want to be a good son, brother and friend to all these people who are so important to me.

And I want to find love again; to love fiercely and fearlessly, a radical and selfless love.

Yes I want to live and continue living a long, fulfilling and fruitful life. Yet I know that this is not a decision for me to make. Death is always lurking somewhere and he will eventually come. So to Death, I ask – if possible, please stay your hand for as long as you can. I know this is a selfish request but it is one that I would like to make anyway. But if God or fate has determined otherwise, know that at the very least I no longer fear your coming nor will I be sad when I leave this life behind. I will spend every moment of every day that I have in the pursuit and enjoyment of all those things that I want from my life.

And when that final moment comes, whenever that may be, I look forward with happiness and joy to seeing you again Mum.

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